Sat
Dec 12 2015
12:29:pm

Vandals did an insane amount of damage to Porter Elementary school in Blount Co. sometime Thursday night. School had to be closed Friday.

In reporting the extensive inventory of damage in excruciating detail, the Maryville Daily Times reporter apparently ran out of synonyms for "vandals" and broke out the thesaurus, referring to them variously as "culprits," "lawbreakers," "malefactors," "miscreants," "perpetrators" and "wrongdoers."

Then, from the closing paragraph: "If anyone sees an individual or individuals with a large quantity of this [Rich's] ice cream, explicitly creamy cotton candy, strawberry shortcake and vanilla chocolate cone, please contact the Criminal Investigations Unit at (865) 273-5001 during normal business hours or Blount County Dispatch at (865) 983-3620."

A classic piece of hometown reporting.

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